Friday, July 15, 2005
i am a bitch.and does anyone know why some girls are self-confessed bitches although they aren't really? if a person calls you a bitch, is it a compliment or is it a rude remark? nowadays the language of the world has become so blurry that it'd prolly make a girl beam with pride if she's called a bitch. some even call themselves S.L.U.T.S. i slapped my brother cos we were in a heated argument and he called me a slut. GOD! i mean, man, HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE that SLUT is a complimenting word??!! like we all say, it's a freakin' wacky world!!
and no, i don't think i'm a bitch.
i'm in a minor state of depression now. cookie says he'll be leaving singapore for kL.. singapore gives him too many sad memories. he's probably talking about me though he doesn't admit it. i don't understand why had we got together in the first place. i mean.. it takes a lot of chemistry to go into a relationship. but i have to say... i dont think we had chemistry. i thought he was using me. using me, as in, he wants someone to accompany him. i'd say i want someone to accompany me.. that's why i sought him out. it was all HL's fault! trust him to insult me! and see.. i got myself into hot soup. it's not ethical for me to blame him. it's me. i just wish cookie will stop thinking about the past and look towards the future. he's wasting whatever youth he has, waiting for someone who doesnt return his love. my heart isn't ready to settle down, and i don't think i would want to settle down at such a young age. i often question myself if it's EVEN POSSIBLE for me to settle down. i don't and CAN'T see myself doing that in years to come.
back to the main reason why i'm pretty vexed. i feel like i've ruined his life. singapore's such a nice place.. and yet he has made the decision to leave. if he wants to leave, i'd rather he go back to new york. why kL? he'll probably get better chinese girls over there. matured and kind. someone he can give the unused, unseen diamond ring to..
For months, i have been procrastinating to meet him. a part of me don't want to - simply because i don't want to lead him on, thinking that we'd be possible... and yet, he keeps asking for a meeting... sometimes when i make up my mind to meet him, something always crops up. i start to seriously believe in omens - muktub -. telling me that i really should not meet cookie. i'm suppose to meet him today. and i said "I PROMISE".. cos he was complaining that i never kept my promises. that day was the first time i made a promise to him. and yet... my uncle from hongkong is coming back today - i just got to know this morning. i doubt i'll be able to meet cookie tonight. i can't possibly get away cos they're all meeting in the shop. family's more important. what should i do? i know i can just easily say "Hey, I cant make it today cos my uncle's back in singapore"... but u know how he'll feel? i don't. but i know he'll feel shitty. that i keep throwing whatever faith he has in me to the ground. but i really can't help it. shit.SHIT! i certainly hope i wont spend the whole day/afternoon thinking about my decision...
Dreamed a PuRpLe
DrEaM
@
11:16
